KEY TAKEAWAY: Statistics reflect the corrosive effect that money conflicts can have on a relationship. Couples who get on the same financial page are more likely to stay on the same marital page, but it’s easier said than done. Use the following 15 tips to help you make money talks more productive and conflict-free. Scroll down to the TAKE ACTION section for this week’s actionable steps.

This may come as a surprise, but money is an issue in many relationships.

Just kidding. I’m pretty sure you aren’t surprised by that fact. However, you may be surprised by some of the following facts.

• It’s been estimated that up to 90% of divorces relate to money issues.¹
• A 2009 study at Utah State University found that couples who fought about money matters more than once a week were 30% more likely to get divorced than couples who fought about money once a month.²
• The same study found that “Conflict over money matters predicts divorce better than other types of disagreement,” with only extramarital affairs and alcohol/drug abuse being stronger predictors.² (Women ranked finances as a top reason, along with sex, while men ranked it as the sole reason.²)
• Of specific money issues, debt causes a big rub against marital satisfaction.² Regardless of how long people were married or if they were poor, wealthy, or in between, the more debt accumulated, the greater the strain on the marriage.²(Conversely, the accumulation of assets was shown to enhance a marriage.) ²

However, money is not so easy to talk about.  

•  A 2014 Wells Fargo survey conducted to gain better insight into how families can discuss finances more positively found that respondents considered discussions about personal finances more uncomfortable than religion (32%), politics (35%), and even death (38%).³ A whopping 44% found it the most difficult topic to discuss with others.³
• A survey by Merrill Lynch found that 77% of those surveyed believed that the person who generated most of the wealth (e.g., the breadwinner) should initiate personal finance discussions.³ However, 42% of those also said that the person who was the “wealth creator” in their household was the one who tended to prevent the sharing and flow of financial information.³

And a lack of money is not always the source of financial marital stress.

In an informal survey of my own, “Differing priorities of partners when it comes to money and money management” was the overwhelming number one reason cited for financial conflict, with “Lack of money” coming in a far second.*

Whatever the money-related issue, communication is a key factor in both the problem and the solution.

WHY DO WE FIND IT SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT MONEY?

Because money is not just money.

Money means different things to different people. Money can represent many things—security, freedom, prosperity, power, and control. Love.

Our perceptions, beliefs, values, and behaviors regarding money are shaped from childhood—e.g., how we were raised to view money and what kind of financial environment we grew up in—through adolescence and into adulthood, up to our present moment.

Money has roots in our past that extend into our present.

My husband and I are pretty compatible when it comes to our attitude about money and our financial goals. We’re both moderately conservative, aren’t big spenders, and have similar wants and goals for how we live now and in the future. Even so, I find that money can still be a tricky discussion. It’s just one of those topics that has so much more going on than what’s on the surface.

If you and your partner can talk freely, openly, and agreeably about money, then kudos! You can skip this.

However, if you do find it difficult to talk about money or agree on money priorities, the following are some tips that I have found useful to support communication and help reach common financial ground.

TIP#1: BE PROACTIVE

Don’t wait until the financial shit hits the fan.

(For those of you not familiar with this American saying, the original is, “When the shit hits the fan.” I believe it’s self-explanatory. Just envision what happens when excrement hits a fan blade whirring at high speed.)

In fact, be really proactive—as in talk at the beginning of your relationship.

And then, keep on talking.

Having regular talks about money makes it less of an emotional minefield.

Not only does it take away the taboo or shock element, but regular financial pillow talk can even enhance a relationship because you are working together toward a common goal.

So, ideally, talk before the financial dung hits the fan; otherwise, it can be very difficult to follow the next tip.

Bottom line: Talk at the beginning of your relationship, and keep talking.

 TIP #2: DON’T TALK WHEN UPSET

(Also, don’t talk when you are tired, hungry, or under the influence of alcohol. I repeat, do not drink while you’re talking about money.)

Discussing finances when you just received the credit card bill (with some nasty surprises) is not the time to have a conducive conversation about money.

Think about it: How successful have emotional “discussions” been in the past?

In my experience, with 30 years of marital bliss-and-not-so-bliss behind me, here’s my answer: Not very.

The discussion quickly escalates into an argument. No surprise there since when we’re spitting angry or hurt or in the whirlwind of some negative emotion, we are not thinking that we want to send a message that our partner can be open to receiving; we want to land a zinger or win our point.

And we aren’t exactly in our best state to receive whatever message our partner may be sending us either.

Not only will we not make any progress toward reaching common ground if we try and broach it on shaky emotional ground, but we are likely to exacerbate the issue by saying things that—whether or not we mean them—we’ll regret.

Bottom line: When you are upset is not the time to talk about money. Resist the temptation.

TIP #3: BE LIKE SWITZERLAND

Go for neutral.

Think about having the discussion in a neutral location.

Public places can help to inhibit reactions that, ahem, we may not be inclined to moderate in the privacy of our own homes. Consider talking over a nice meal out or a cup of coffee.

Note: If you choose to talk over a nice meal, have your discussion before any alcohol flows. Alcohol does not enhance the conversation, trust me.

Also, talk when you are both in, at minimum, a neutral emotional state.

You want to have your discussion when you and your partner are more open and receptive.

For example, I am a morning person. Do NOT talk to me about stressful issues at night. At night, a problem seems 100 times worse than in the morning. Plus, I won’t be able to sleep thinking about the issue, so I’ll be tired and cranky in the morning. It doesn’t help the situation.

So, consider where, when, and other relevant factors that might affect how open and receptive each of you is when preparing for your money talk.

Bottom line: Choose a location, time, and situation for your money talk that will allow you and your partner to be more open and receptive.

TIP #4: EVEN BETTER, BEGIN ON POSITIVE GROUND

Even better, approach it even more positively.

So, in addition to choosing a neutral location, time, and situation where you and your partner are more open and receptive, find a positive, common ground to begin your conversation.

One idea is to cite an article or something you’ve read as a starting point.

For example, you can start the conversation by saying that you read an article about retirement and how much you look forward to retiring and doing things together as a couple. Use that as a lead-in to ask about your partner’s goals when it comes to retirement and what they want to do. Build from there.

You can also use a positive experience as an introductory point.

For example, after enjoying time together, you can talk about what you most enjoyed and what was most fulfilling to you and ask your partner what they found most fulfilling. This can be an entry point to expanding on the fulfilling life experiences you want to have together, what those are, and what that means from a financial perspective in order to support those fulfilling life experiences.

In general, whether talking about future plans or addressing the present, finding positive, common ground to start from can enhance your money talk.

Bottom line: Begin your money talk on positive, common ground to have a foundation that you can build on, not spar over.

TIP #5: FIGHT FAIRLY

My husband and I have been married since 1993. If you think we have never fought since saying our vows, you would be very mistaken. The man can drive me up a wall, and I, no doubt, him. Some topics we have agreed to disagree on. Others—new or old—we still can fight about.

However, when we fight, we try to fight fairly. We strive not to say things we can’t take back. We keep certain things off-limit because they are things we have confided and trusted in each other; they are not fodder for a fight. We don’t call each other names, and we don’t (usually) play the blame game.

Money is sensitive. It just is. Expect to have conflicts about it.

However, when you have a conflict about it, fight fairly. Try not to lay blame. Focus on actions vs. characteristics of each other.

For example, you might say, “When we use savings or credit cards to pay for things, it worries me because I want to make sure we have enough for our future together,” as opposed to, “You are materialistic and irresponsible and spend way too much money.”

You will have conflicts—about money and other things—but you want to make sure they are conflicts that won’t have hangover effects that your partnership will suffer from down the road.

Bottom line: Expect to have conflicts when talking about money, but fight fairly, avoiding things you may regret later.

TIP#6: STAY ON TOPIC

Do you ever notice that when we discuss a “sensitive topic” (like money), we tend to get defensive and bring into the conversation historical occurrences or extraneous details that have little or nothing to do with the topic at hand?

That can happen with money discussions, too. Money can be a sensitive topic, as we all know. It can raise our blood pressure and set our emotions on a roller coaster ride.

In fact, it can be an emotional roller coaster ride where we pick up certain unhelpful passengers to the discussion at hand.

The passengers I am referring to are those historical events and extraneous details that don’t belong on this particular ride. Things that happened way back are brought into the discussion but won’t help it. In fact, these “passengers” will only serve as fodder to fuel the “discussion” and throw it off course.

(As a tactic, it works very well, too. However, if you want a productive discussion, it’s a tactic you want to avoid.)

Stay calm. Stay on topic. Don’t get distracted.

If other “passengers” start to appear, deal with them by tabling it for another discussion and time. For example, you might say, “That seems to really upset you, so it’s something we should discuss. However, for now, let’s focus on this topic, and we will address the other in a separate discussion.”

Bottom line: Stay on topic, tabling non-pertinent topics for another discussion.

TIP #7: HAVE A GOAL

To stay focused, we need to know what we want to discuss and what we want to accomplish from our discussion with our partner.

Although there may be many things we want to address, I find it works best to keep focused on one or two key topics and objectives. Too many, and it can be overwhelming and off-putting, making it likelier to veer off-topic. So, target a couple of points that each of you wants to discuss.

Optional: You may find it helpful to give each person a set amount of time to go over their point uninterrupted and time for the other person to respond (bite your tongue if you have to).

Consider these things when you are preparing for your money talk:

• What 1-2 topics do you want to focus on in your discussion?
• What is your goal for your discussion with your partner—the outcome you want?What is your partner’s goal or outcome they want? What is the common ground?
• Why is this important to you? Why is this important to your partner? Why is this important to you as a couple?
• What really, really matters to you, and what can you be flexible about? What about your partner?
• How can you meet each other halfway if you can’t agree? (See Tip#13)

Bottom line: Have a goal for your discussion that will help you stay on track.

TIP #8: THINK WIN-WIN⁴

As Stephen Covey said, “Think Win-Win.”⁴

Yes, I know we all want to “win,” but we’re much more successful when we approach something from a “win-win” perspective, which holds true as a couple.

After all, if one of us “wins,” the other person “loses,” which does not a healthy relationship make. It doesn’t make for good finances either.

You are in this together, and this is about your collective financial success.

To help you with this, think about:

• What would be a “win” for you?
• What would be a “win” for your partner?
• What would be a “win” for your partnership?
• How can you create a win for each of you and as a couple?

Bottom line: When you both win, you win as a couple.

TIP #9: SEEK FIRST TO UNDERSTAND (THEN TO BE UNDERSTOOD)⁴

To borrow another Covey insight: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”⁴

Yes, I know our point is important, but unless we try to value understanding where our partner is coming from, we will be talking to the proverbial brick wall. It’s difficult to bring someone around to our way of thinking if we don’t try to understand theirs.

So, understand where your partner is coming from. As part of this, it can help to learn about each other’s financial upbringing and different experiences that influenced each of your perspectives, beliefs, and values about money.

For example, if your partner grew up in a financially strapped household and you grew up in a financially abundant one, then your attitudes and approaches to money management may be very different.

Therefore, talk about each other’s financial upbringing and what you each value most when it comes to money. (Get my Money Talk Guide to delve more deeply into this to get on the same financial page as your partner.)

How does understanding where your partner is coming from help you to understand their point? How can you create a win-win that respects each other’s financial perspective, values, and beliefs?

Bottom line: Seek a win-win solution that benefits each of you and your partner.

TIP #10: BE OPEN AND (NICELY) HONEST

We need to understand where our partner is coming from and why, and vice versa. In addition, it’s important to communicate openly and honestly.

Remember: We can’t expect our partner to read our minds.

Our partner may not know that we hate when they buy something without agreeing first on it because that is how our ex-partner ran up a huge credit card balance that we had to deal with, or that as the primary breadwinner, we feel that our hard-earned money, isn’t respected. Or that we feel vulnerable because we are financially dependent on our partner and want greater financial involvement and security.

Whatever the “why” behind the topic, it will help your partner meet you halfway if you are open and honest (in a nice way so they can be receptive to your honesty).

Bottom line: People aren’t mind readers. Even those who are closest to us. Be open and honest, with kindness.

TIP #11: LET THE SKELETONS OUT OF THE CLOSET

In other words, don’t hide issues.

If credit card debt is lurking in the closet, it’s time to expose it to the light and your partner’s awareness. I know it’s difficult, but the issue will not magically go away. To be able to address it as a couple, you need to bring it out in the open.

Bottom line: Don’t hide financial issues.

 TIP #12: OWN YOUR FINANCIAL WELL-BEING

No matter what financial and life roles exist in your partnership—whether you earn more or less than your partner or contribute no money at present directly to the financial household—please fully embrace the following absolute truth:

You need to be engaged in your financial well-being.

That is your right.

That is your responsibility (your legal responsibility, too).

That is your obligation.

That is your privilege.

Do not delegate it to someone else.

TIP #13: BE WILLING TO MEET HALFWAY

You will probably have to meet your partner halfway when it comes to money management and agreeing on goals and how to achieve them.

Yes, sometimes we need to (gasp!) compromise. This is especially the case when we have had different financial upbringings and experiences that influence our perspective, values, and beliefs around money.

So, how can you meet each other halfway? Consider the following:

• What are your ideal outcomes? What could you live with?
• What is your partner’s ideal outcome? What could your partner live with?
• What could you offer that would make your partner more willing to meet you halfway?
• What could your partner offer to make you more willing to meet halfway?
• What is the consequence if you can’t agree on a compromise? Is that a consequence you are willing to accept? In light of that, how does it change the answers to the questions above?

Botton line: Compromise with understanding and respect is a cornerstone of a successful financial partnership.

TIP #14: FOLLOW UP

Whew! Wonderful. You had a good discussion. You had a meeting of minds and agreement on a step (or steps) forward.

Do not get lulled into the “okay, we discussed it, and that’s enough.”

Put it in ink.

Even if it’s just to review where your insurance policies are, schedule a date on the calendar.

Follow up.

If you want to move forward (and you do), you need to not only agree on a plan of action but also act upon it.

And then?

Keep it up. Keep the discussion ongoing. Set aside a time and place each month—or within your agreed-upon timeframe—to discuss these things. Practice makes perfect.

TIP #15: ALWAYS KEEP IN MIND: “UNITED WE STAND, DIVIDED WE FALL.”⁵

Ultimately, we need to work together as a couple. A solid relationship helps our financial situation, and a solid financial situation helps our relationship. If we want our relationship to thrive financially and otherwise, we need to work as a team.

Bottom line: Couples who get on the same financial page are more likely to stay on the same marital page.

FINAL THOUGHTS

Try the above and see what works best for you and your partner.

You are likely not going to avoid conflicts about money.

However, the good news is that by making time for regular money talks and practicing good communication skills, financial discussions can become easier and, over time, support a stronger partnership.

And it’s never too late.

Even if money has been a source of conflict in the past, you can take steps today to make it a source of strength for your relationship. You can start communicating and working to honor what’s important to your partner, yourself, and your partnership.

The reality is that you are a partnership, and getting on the same financial page — however that works best for you both and your relationship — is part of supporting that partnership and your ability to achieve your collective financial and life goals.

Even if you end up agreeing to disagree, speaking openly, honestly, and respectfully with one another about your finances can add a greater depth, understanding, and connection to your relationship.

And there’s no time like the present.

Note: While the information provided here is intended to be helpful when it comes to getting on the same financial page as your partner, it is not meant to and cannot replace personalized professional assistance or advice. If you and your partner are struggling to get on the same financial page and conflicts about money are wearing on your relationship, consider seeking the support of a professional who can help you. You don’t need to struggle alone, and doing so, as mentioned, can be corrosive to your relationship. So, if you can’t address your issues on your own, get the help you and your relationship deserve.

* Not a statistically relevant study but interesting insights nonetheless.

TAKE ACTION:

Get on the same financial page as your partner by making time for regular money talks and trying the following tips:

1. Be proactive.

2. Don’t talk when upset.

3. Be like Switzerland.

4. Even better, begin on positive ground.

5. Fight fair.

6. Stay on topic.

7. Have a goal.

8. “Think “Win-Win.”⁴

9. “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”⁴ 

10. Be open and (nicely) honest.

11. Let the skeletons out of the closet.

12. Own your financial well-being.

13. Be willing to meet halfway.

14. Follow up.

15. Always keep in mind: “United we stand, divided we fall.”⁵ 

References:

1: Fowles, Deborah (2014). Couples and Money. Downloaded April 21, 2016, from financialplan.about.com/cs/family nances/a/CouplesMoney.htm

2: Dew, Jeffrey (2009). Bank On It: Thrifty Couples Are the Happiest. Downloaded April 21, 2016, from http://www.stateofourunions.org/2009/bank_on_it.php

3: Jones-Cooper, Brittany (2016). No more drama — how to talk to your family about money. Downloaded Aril 21, 2016 from finance.yahoo.com/news/no-more-drama—how-to-talk-to-your-family-about-money-200326645.html)

4: Covey, Stephen (2013). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. New York, New York. RosettaBooks.

5: “United we stand, divided we fall.” Patrick Henry. Retrieved from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/United_we_stand,_divided_we_fall#:~:text=Patrick%20Henry%20used%20the%20phrase,we%20stand%2C%20divided%20we%20fall.

IMPORTANT: The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified professional with any questions you may have regarding the topics discussed here as the topics discussed are based on general principles and may not be applicable to every individual. 

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