KEY TAKEAWAY: There are many things in life that are out of our control, but they can have a significant influence on how we feel and, ultimately, our quality of life. Instead of letting such things hijack us and our lives, we can better manage them by focusing on our Sphere of Power – what we can control or influence in the present moment – and releasing what we cannot. Scroll down to the TAKE ACTION section for this week’s actionable steps.

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The stock market tanked recently as a result of a global sell-off. You might have been aware of it. Many of us are because of the headlines and, of course, our own personal investments. Many of us have retirement accounts or other investments tied to the stock market.

The sell-off did what it generally does: It causes fear.

It causes fear of course, because it’s our money, which is not just a number on a financial statement but something that influences our sense of security and ability to achieve many of our life goals.

It causes fear, too, because while we can control our investments, we can’t control the stock market. We can’t control it because we can’t control many of the things that can affect it, such as geopolitical events and what the central banks do with interest rates or the economy.

Which brings me to the point of today’s post.

We can’t control most of what is happening around us. While we may be able to influence some of it – some people’s choices and some situations and events – the vast majority of things we can’t ultimately control or influence. Yet, they can have a lot of control or influence over us.

People can do things and situations can arise that cause our blood pressure to go up, our hearts to palpitate, and our thoughts to be taken over by negative scenarios that feed a cycle of negative emotions. Our time, energy, and lives can literally become hijacked by these things because we get so caught up in them – despite our inability to control or influence them – that we find it difficult to concentrate on anything else.

So, what do we do about it?

How do we not let such things hijack us and our lives?

How do we stop letting these things take over so that instead of our time and energy being consumed by them, causing emotional havoc along the way, we can focus our time and energy on more productive things – things that can help us feel and live better?

We focus on our Sphere of Power.

OUR SPHERE OF POWER

There are two spaces from which we can live our lives.

1. Our Sphere of Power
2. Our sphere of powerlessness.

In our Sphere of Power, we focus our attention, time, and energy on the present moment and what we can control or influence right now.

In our sphere of powerlessness, we focus on what we can’t control or influence now (or ever), spinning our mental wheels and generally creating a lot of inner (if not outer) angst in the process.

Too often, we live in this latter space of powerlessness. We get caught up in worries, fears, self-doubt, not-enoughness, and mental loops about things we can’t do anything about right now. Living life in this space of powerlessness keeps us stuck, recycling negative thoughts and feelings that drain our time and energy, create significant stress, and ultimately impact our well-being and the quality of our lives.

If we want to feel as good as we can and live as fully as we can, we need to try to live more of our lives in our Sphere of Power, focused on what we can control or influence in the present moment, and less in our sphere of powerlessness.

When we focus on our Sphere of Power, we free ourselves from the vicious cycle of focusing on what we are powerless to control or influence in the present moment (or ever). We free ourselves from what keeps so many of us stuck: Fear, worry, and resistance.

Instead, we take what action we can. When we do, we give ourselves ourselves a gift. Whether that’s relief from the stressful space, progress toward a goal, or greater knowledge, insight, or experience, instead of staying stuck in what we can’t control of influence, we’ve gained something. We’ve also empowered ourselves because taking action is empowering.

HOW TO FOCUS ON YOUR SPHERE OF POWER

Step 1: Check in with yourself.

Get in the habit of checking in with yourself throughout the day to see where you are. Are you in your Sphere of Power or powerlessness?

Step 2: Name your elephant.

This is your elephant:

It is all that is weighing on your mind. It’s what you’re trying to swallow whole – trying to mentally solve or navigate it – but that is choking you psychologically because you can’t swallow it whole. It’s too much.

So, what is your elephant?

Identify it. Make a list. Note everything that’s on your plate, mentally and otherwise. List all you need to do, think you should do, problems you’re dealing with, worries you have, who you think you should be, or whatever is making up the elephant that is sitting on you like a heavy weight.

Step 3: Identify your Sphere of Power.

It can help to get still, close your eyes, and take ten deep breaths to get present. Focus on your inhalation and exhalation, breathing in calm and breathing out tension.

Then, identify your Sphere of Power. Take the list you created in Step 2 and separate it according to the following categories:

• Things I CAN do, control, or influence now or in the future
• Things I CAN’T do, control, or influence now or in the future

Step 4: Create a plan of action.

Of those things you can do, control, or influence, brainstorm all the possible actions that you can take according to the following categories:

• Things I can do something about NOW
• Things I can do something about LATER

Then, decide what you are going to act on right now. If there are many things that you can do now, then prioritize your list of possible actions.

What you can’t act on right now, assign a time frame for when you can take action, and then mentally put them aside. You will get to it, but not at this moment. Don’t waste more energy on what you can’t do now until you can do something about it. If and when your mind wanders to what you can’t do now, gently bring it back to refocus on what you can do.

Step 5: Let go of what is outside your Sphere of Power.

What you cannot and will never be able to do, control, or influence, release. Let it go. Stop wasting precious time and energy — and creating inner, if not outer, turmoil in the process — on things you can’t do anything about.

Releasing what you can’t do or is out of your control or influence is not one-and-done. It is a practice of letting go over and over again those things you can’t do or have no control or influence over. It’s a process of becoming aware of when you have yet again started mentally gnawing at something out of your Sphere of Power. It is a practice of intentionally releasing it and refocusing your thoughts on what you can do, what you can control, or what you can influence.

So, be mindful of when fear, worry, overwhelm, not-enoughness, and other stressful thoughts and emotions pull you into a space of powerlessness. Get back into your Sphere of Power and focus on what you can do, control, or influence right now.

The good news is that the more you practice, the better you’ll get at freeing yourself from the unproductive mental hamster wheel and focusing your time and energy on more productive things.

TOOLS TO HELP YOU “LET GO”

As they say, practice makes perfect, but how do you practice “letting go”? “Letting go” is easier said than done, so how do you do that? How do you intentionally release what is weighing on you and refocus your thoughts on what you can do, what you can control, or what you can influence?

Following are some tools that help me to shift my focus away from the unproductive loop of angst around what I cannot control or influence and focus on what I can. Try them out to see which ones are most effective at helping you manage your fears, feelings of not-enoughness, and other worries or concerns weighing on you.

Tool #1: Bring yourself back and breathe. When you are stuck in a negative mental loop, get still and breathe. Bring yourself back to the present moment and focus on taking ten deep breaths to release tension. For each breath, inhale for a count of five, hold it for a count of five, and then release it slowly over a count of five. Repeat ten times. It can also be helpful to do this while closing your eyes and visualizing a safe space or place that brings you comfort.

Tool #2: Do a releasing body scan. Help yourself get more present by doing a body scan, slowly scanning your body, starting with your feet, moving up your legs to your torso, arms, and head, focusing on relaxing and releasing tension as you scan upward. By moving your focus to your body, you also create some space from your thoughts because when you’re in your body, focusing on feeling each area of it, it’s hard to be in your mind.

Tool #3: Interrupt the cycle. We can get stuck in the cycle of negative thoughts because we continuously think of the thing that is producing our angst, which then keeps us recycling the negative thoughts and, as a result, the negative feelings they evoke in us:

Negative thought > negative emotion > negative thought > negative emotion > and so on.

When you become mindful that you’re in this unproductive cycle, intentionally let the negative thought go and redirect your mind to something else. Stay attentive to what your mind is focused on, and intentionally change its direction when you find it feeding the negative cycle.

Tool #4: Table it. Put away the situation that is producing negative thoughts and emotions. Visualize putting whatever is causing your angst into a box, covering it with a lid, and storing it away in a closet. Tell yourself you’ll take it out when you have more mental and emotional energy to deal with it.

I learned this tool in Tara Mohr’s Playing Big book,¹ and I find it is especially helpful for worries that plague me at night when my energy is at its lowest. In fact, I often find that the thing I tabled looks and feels much different in the morning when I am well-rested and better able to deal with stressful thoughts and feelings.

Tool #5: Set a future deadline. Set a date in the future when the situation that is causing the angst will be resolved or clarified.

“By _____ day/week/month/year, this thing causing me fear/worry/stress will be resolved or clarified.”

Doing this can provide perspective. By focusing on a future point in time, we can see that what feels all-consuming now won’t always be. Like me, you probably know this from past experience. I know many times where I have been caught up in all-consuming fears, worries, or other stressful thoughts and feelings I’ve since forgotten about or are no longer relevant.

Therefore, by setting a future deadline, I can better focus on the present moment and what I can control or influence now. I can see that there’s no point in allowing myself or my life to be hijacked by negative emotions and what I can’t control or predict. It won’t make any difference to what will eventually be taken care of by the passage of time.

Tool #6: Analyze it. Another strategy that can be effective, also from the book Playing Big by Tara Mohr, is to analyze whatever is causing you fear or other emotional angst and follow it “to the endgame.”¹

• What is causing you angst? For example, if you are worried about a loved one, job, or financial situation, think about your biggest concerns or the outcomes you fear.
• What are your worst fears about the situation or outcomes you are most worried about?
• What if your worst fears or worries occur? What then? What would you do? Continue to ask yourself, “What then?”¹ For each worrying outcome or situation that you think of, ask yourself, “What then, what would I do?”

The power of this is that it forces you to come up with some plan of action. You shift from the downward-spiraling mode to problem-solving mode. While sometimes the problem solving might come to the solution of acceptance – accepting what has happened – you still move away from the negative mental void where you are powerless.

Tool #7: Move. When we are stuck in negative thoughts and feelings, it can help us to physically move. Get out of the space you’re in by going for a walk, working out, going to a cafe, or other space that will help you shift your focus and gain some perspective.

Tool #8: Do. When you find yourself stuck in negative thoughts, the space of powerlessness, focus on your Sphere of Power and shift into action. Action is empowering, so move away from fear and what you can’t take charge of by taking action to address what you can.

As you use tools to help you manage fear and other negative thoughts and feelings, be aware of and try to address physical and other factors that can add to and make you more susceptible to being taken over by them, such as being tired, hungry, under the weather, or other things that drain your energy.

Choose to Be in the Driver’s Seat

The truth is that there are many things that are out of our control or influence, yet they can profoundly influence how we feel. However, ultimately, we need to recognize that whatever comes our way, we have a choice of how we deal with it. Mentally. Practically.

We gain nothing by staying stuck in our mental negative narrative because it is only a waste of time, energy, and, ultimately, life. We allow ourselves to be taken over by something that not only can we not do anything about but impacts how we feel and can detract from our quality of life and living.

Instead of being a victim of such things, letting them limit us or the quality of our lives, or allowing them to immobilize us, we can choose to manage them. Whether that means tackling them head-on in the present moment, choosing to deal with them later when we’re better able to, or releasing them, we have a choice.

So, when you feel yourself being hijacked by negative thoughts and the emotions they evoke, choose to get into your Sphere of Power and focus on what you can do now. Recognize your ability to choose how you want to direct your attention and energy. Recognize your power to decide whether to stay stuck in a negative space or move out of it. Recognize your power to choose the lens through which you view life and the power that it gives you when it comes to influencing your quality of life. Choose to exercise that power for you and how you want to feel and live.

TAKE ACTION:

Choose to live your life in your Sphere of Power, where you are empowered because your attention, time, and energy are focused on the present moment and what you can control or influence right now.

1. Focus On Your Sphere of Power: Find your Sphere of Power and focus on what you can do, control, or influence in the present moment, and put on hold what you can’t. Check in with yourself to see if you are in your Sphere of Power or powerlessness; identify your “elephant,” identify your Sphere of Power, create a plan of action, and let go of what is out of your Sphere of Power (wash, rinse, and repeat).

2. Use Tools to “Let Go”: Learn to manage the negative thoughts and feelings they evoke. Find what tools help you most to do that, such as: Deep breathing, doing a releasing body scan, interrupting the cycle, tabling it, setting a future deadline to gain perspective and relief, analyzing the situation, and recognizing your ability to take action if what you are fearing or worried about happens, physically moving, and empowering yourself by taking action.

REFERENCES:

1: Mohr, Tara (2014). Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead. New York, New York: Penguin Group.

IMPORTANT: The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified professional with any questions you may have regarding the topics discussed here as the topics discussed are based on general principles and may not be applicable to every individual. 

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