KEY TAKEAWAY: Our words are powerful tools that shape not only how others perceive us but also how we perceive ourselves. The language we use can be either empowering or disempowering, influencing what we feel, do, and achieve. Create awareness of how you are communicating and disempowering language that may be undermining your message and the outcomes you want. Scroll down to the TAKE ACTION section for this week’s actionable steps.

My mother taught me about sex.

I don’t mean the birds-and-the-bees conversation in a quiet corner, although she did that, too. No, I mean that she was my sex education teacher. And my friends’ sex education teacher. And the teacher for every junior in my high school.

For many teens, that would not be an ideal situation.

Learning about the more intimate facts of life in the company of your hormonally-charged-sexually-uncomfortable peers is embarrassing enough without adding the mom factor into the mix. Or the fact that the teacher/mom had a tendency to drop little tidbits about your private life that you would prefer the entire school didn’t know about.

However, it was not an issue for my sister and me because, more than anything, our mom was a great teacher (not to mention a great person, mom, and Grammy). She was funny, smart, and likable. She made learning fun and even helped make the topic more comfortable.

In truth, my mom was adored by many students, and I loved having her close by.

I was proud of her and appreciated what she did. I was also proud of her and appreciated her accomplishments when she decided to take a new position at the community’s mental health center to focus on health promotion.

However, there was one part of her new job that I did not appreciate: Her newfound Language Awareness.

(At the time, I considered it Language Paranoia.)

Words Mean Something

All of a sudden, words became very important to her.

Which meant that they needed to become important to me and my sister.

Because when we said something that my mom deemed to be detrimental to our mental well-being, she’d point it out to us and explain (again) why it was not good vocabulary to use. The word “should” especially got her well-being hackles up.

As a teen, this heightened awareness of our words was not welcome. In fact, it was downright annoying. After all, words were just words. We weren’t marrying them, for goodness sake; it was just how we expressed ourselves. Why take it so seriously? The words didn’t mean anything.

Except, as it turns out, they did and do.

Words mean something.

Disempowering Language

In Tara Mohr’s book, Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead, she talks about “communicating with power” and points out words and language that can weaken our message.¹

For example, some words to watch for and eliminate include the following:

• “Just.”¹: “I’m just concerned that…”¹ “I just want to check in and see…”¹ “I’m just wondering…”¹
• “Actually.”¹: “I actually think…”¹ “I actually have a question.”¹ “I actually disagree…”¹
• “Kind of/Almost”¹: “I almost think we should go a different direction.”¹ “I kind of think the report should be reorganized this way.”¹
• “Sorry, but…”¹: “Sorry to bother you, but…”¹ “Sorry if this is a silly question, but…”¹
• “A little bit”¹: “I’d like to take just a few minutes of your time.”¹ “I’d like to tell you a little bit about our new product.¹

In addition to watching out for certain words or phrases that can weaken our message, we can adjust our language to be more empowering:

• Disclaimers¹: “You all have been thinking about this a lot longer than I have, but …”¹ “I’m no expert, but…”¹ “This is just an idea, but…”¹ Tara points out that we can adjust our wording so that we don’t diminish our message. For example, “Let’s do some brainstorming about this. Here are some of my thoughts…”¹
• “Does that make sense?”¹: Tara suggests instead, “How did that land with you?” or “What are your thoughts?” or “Do you have questions?”¹
• Uptalk¹: Raising your pitch at the end of a statement, such as we do after yes/no questions.¹ Watch your tone so that what you say is clear and taken as a statement, not as a question.¹
• Rushing and piling on the words¹: Tara advises punctuating and pausing so our message is clear and we sound secure in our communication.¹
• Substituting a question for a statement:¹ “What about increasing the marketing budget?”¹ Tara says that when you have an opinion, say it in a statement instead of framing it as a question.¹

It’s Not Just What We Communicate

And it’s not just what we communicate but also how we communicate. Other things — our tone of voice, whether we speak fluidly and clearly or hesitatingly and softly, our posture, our facial expressions, and how we present ourselves — also influence how we and our message are perceived.

For example, the other day, I was on a call, and I noticed how one woman’s language undermined her message. She tended to use words like “should” and “shouldn’t” and other language and way of speaking that came off almost as an apology, as if she were apologizing for herself and for something she was or wasn’t doing, thinking, wanting, or acting upon. It weakened her message, and it weakened the impression she gave of herself. Like many of us, she was probably not even aware of her language or how it impacted the quality of her message and presentation.

The Illusory Truth Effect & Self-Perception

We may communicate this way out of habit, self-doubt, or, as Tara terms it, “strategic softening” to make our message more receivable by the receiver.¹ And while we may think what or how we communicate is “just” a habit or “just” the way we communicate, how we communicate on the outside is revealing because it is influenced by how we feel on the inside. Like the voice in our head, how we communicate is tied in with how we feel about ourselves.

So, ultimately, disempowering communication can be disempowering. Not only can it weaken our message or influence how others perceive, value, or treat us, but also how we perceive, value, and treat ourselves. It can negatively affect our outcomes because it influences what we do or do not feel and what we believe we can or cannot do.

That is because our belief about something grows with repetition, even if it’s false. While this effect — the illusory truth effect² — is most commonly discussed in relation to the processing of external information, such as news or advertising, when we repeatedly communicate in a way that doesn’t support us or even undermines us — even if we “don’t really mean it” — it can shape our self-perception and beliefs, even if they aren’t objectively true.

So, just like repetitive negative self-talk can perpetuate a feeling of not-enoughness and negative self-beliefs, communicating in a disempowering way can reinforce and perpetuate what we believe we can be or achieve.

Build Awareness of How You Communicate

Build awareness of how you communicate by monitoring your communications. Verbally. In writing. As you move through your day and speak with others and write emails or other written communications, be mindful of what and how you communicate.

Take note of the following:

• What kind of language are you using? Do you tend to use empowering or disempowering language? Does what you communicate generally support what you want to convey or the outcome you desire?
• How do you communicate? Do you speak clearly and fluidly or softly and hesitatingly? How do your posture, facial expressions, and appearance influence what you are trying to convey?
• How do different situations affect what and how you communicate?

Also, notice how you communicate about yourself and your life to others.

• Do your communications tend to be self-supporting and self-advocating? Or do you tend to doubt yourself, defer to others, minimize or undermine your abilities, or criticize yourself?
• What are you communicating about yourself and your life, and what does it reflect and project about how you feel about yourself and your life?

If what or how you communicate does not support the message you want to convey or the outcomes you want, then what would you like to change about what or how you communicate?

The Socrates Triple Filter Test³

As you tune into how you are communicating, get in the habit of viewing your communications through the filter of Socrates’ triple filter test by asking yourself the following three questions:³

Question #1: Is it true? Is what you are communicating true? Challenge the truthfulness of what you are communicating. How do you know what you are communicating is true?

Question #2: Is it kind? Is what you are communicating good or positive? Is it kind?

Question #3: Is it useful? Is what you are communicating useful? What usefulness does what you are communicating have to you or to whom you are communicating?

If what you are communicating is not true, kind, or useful, then, like Socrates, you may conclude that it’s not worth communicating at all.³

Conclusion

Intentional or not, when we habitually use language that diminishes us or our message in some way, we do ourselves a disservice. Our words are more than just expressions; they are powerful tools that shape perception and, ultimately, our reality. What and how we communicate, internally and externally, can either empower or disempower us.

So, become more aware of what and how you are communicating and what your words may be creating. Challenge negative patterns and replace them with affirming language. Be more intentional about what and how you communicate to better support what you want and how you want to feel.

TAKE ACTION:

1. Be mindful of how you communicate and how it impacts your message and the outcomes you get. Be aware of disempowering communication. Ask yourself:
   • Is the language you are using empowering or disempowering and doe sit generally support what you want to convey or the outcome you desire?
   • Does how you communicate support the message you want to convey and the outcome you desire?
   • How do different situations affect what you communicate?
2. Notice how you communicate about yourself and your life to others, if it is supportive or critical.
3. Use Socrates’ three filtering questions — “Is it true?”; “Is it kind?”; and “Is it useful?” — to adjust non-supportive communication.

References:

1. Mohr, Tara (2014). Playing Big: Practical Wisdom for Women Who Want to Speak Up, Create, and Lead. New York, New York: Penguin Group.
2. Hasher, L., Goldstein, D., & Toppino, T. (1977). Frequency and the conference of referential validity. Journal of Verbal Learning and Verbal Behavior, 16(1), 107–112.
3. Are Socrates’ 3 tests from a historical source? Retrieved from https://skeptics.stackexchange.com/questions/39843/are-socrates-3-tests-from-a-historical-source

IMPORTANT: The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified professional with any questions you may have regarding the topics discussed here as the topics discussed are based on general principles and may not be applicable to every individual. 

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