KEY TAKEAWAY: If you’re struggling to answer the question, “What do I want?”, ask yourself why. Is it because you find it difficult to acknowledge what you already know deep down or you truly don’t know? If it’s the latter, take action to gain clarity. Action brings clarity because it provides you with more information about what you want or don’t want. Scroll down to the TAKE ACTION section for this week’s actionable steps.

Clarity.

This may be right up there with “acceptance” and “forgiveness” when it comes to achieving what the word means. Many of us struggle with answering the question, “What do I want?” We may know we want to be or have something more or different than we do, but we aren’t sure exactly what that is. Often, we know better what we don’t want.

So, what about you?

Do you know what you want?

To achieve more of how we want to feel and live, we need to be clear on what that is. We need to know what is meaningful and most important for us to be able to create a life that aligns with that. After all, it isn’t easy to get to where we want to go if we don’t know our “where.”

As Kathy Caprino, a women’s career and leadership coach, stated in her article The Top 10 Things People Want In Life But Can’t Seem To Get: ¹

“The #1 mentioned missing element – Happiness — has become so hard to achieve, and even harder to maintain. In my work with professional women, I’ve seen that happiness continually escapes them because, first, they don’t really understand exactly what will make them happy. They just don’t know themselves well at all.”

So, how well do you know yourself?

How well do you know what is most important to you and will most support how you want to feel and live?

In earlier posts, I asked you to identify the elements that are extremely or very important to you and to put a stake in the ground in terms of what you want. I also asked you to think about why you want what you say you do. After all, it’s not just knowing what we want but being clear on why we want it.

If we don’t know our WHY, we can fall into a bad habit of saying we want something that may no longer fit us. We may work to achieve our goal – and succeed – only to find that what we have been working toward or achieved isn’t making us feel the way we had thought it would.

So, were you able to state what you want and why?

If not, is it because you really think you don’t know or you find it hard to give space to it?

In other words, is what you want difficult to allow yourself to want?

I say that because sometimes it’s hard to accept the truth that keeps coming back to us. Deep down, we may know what we want or the essence of it and what we want or need in our lives, but we don’t permit ourselves to acknowledge it.

So, is there a truth about yourself and what you want that keeps coming back to you? Close your eyes, take a few deep breaths, and get still. What do you feel? What comes to you? Is there a truth that keeps coming back to you that you need to allow yourself to nurture?

I felt this for many years about writing. It was a truth that kept coming back to me but that I wouldn’t allow. I found it difficult to give space to it in my life, to nurture it. It seemed too impractical. Even more to the point, it was too close to my heart, and to acknowledge it would be to give myself hope, which meant being vulnerable to hurt if it didn’t happen. It felt easier to ignore it. Until it wasn’t.

Here’s the thing: What we want or need doesn’t just go away.

That is why I refer to it as “your truth that keeps coming back to you.” My truth kept coming back to me. It wouldn’t let me ignore it. And it’s not only with writing that I’ve had this experience. It’s been with other things in my life.

When we don’t acknowledge something that is deeply sacred to us – and remember, this is a personal thing, something that you define, not someone or something else; only you know how you feel, how you want to feel, and what most supports that – it doesn’t just go away.

So, if you are thinking that what you want is not practical or possible or is too hard or too something else, then I would encourage you to stop judging the truth that keeps coming back to you. Stop poking holes in why you can’t, why it’s not possible, or why it’s too hard or too something else. Instead, give yourself permission to honor your truth by acknowledging it.

Remember: Goals are feelings we want to achieve.¹

As we discussed before, goals are feelings we want to achieve.¹ So, if you’re struggling because you believe that what you want is out of reach, perhaps you can honor the feeling you want to achieve – the goal – by allowing other versions of how you do that.

There are many ways to achieve how we want to feel if we allow ourselves to consider them. No, it may not be exactly as we envisioned, but even though we may achieve something in a different way than we imagined we would, it doesn’t dilute the end result, which is achieving how we want to feel.

If you are struggling because you think there are too many obstacles – whether inside of yourself and what you think you can achieve or external obstacles, such as other things or people – then know that part of the journey to get to how you want to feel and live is identifying those and helping you learn to navigate them better. Dealing with obstacles, especially internal ones like self-doubt, fear, and not-enoughness – is not a one-and-done thing. It’s a process. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

And if you’re still struggling because you really don’t think you know what you want, then consider this truth.

Action brings clarity.

Action Brings Clarity

We discover more of who we are, who we want to be (and don’t want to be), and what we want (and don’t want) when we do. We learn by doing and, from that, can eliminate what doesn’t fit us and get closer to what does. So, if you feel frustrated by not knowing or stuck in “analysis paralysis” trying to figure it out, take action to gain clarity.

Ask yourself:

• What area of your life are you struggling to gain clarity? In other words, what area of your life are you not feeling the way you would like to, but you struggle to figure out what would make you feel the way you desire? What is it you want to feel in this area, and why?
• Brainstorm all the things you think might help you feel how you desire to feel in that area. Don’t judge them. Just list them on a piece of paper, in your journal, or whatever tool you prefer.
• Of the possible ways you listed above, pick one that most resonates. Then, come up with three things that you can do to explore, test out, or answer a question that you may have about it.
• Of the three ideas you came up with, pick one. Then, schedule it on your calendar to make time to follow through.

For example, if you are unsatisfied with your job or career, in your brainstorming, you come up with one idea of gaining new skills to pursue a different job direction. To explore that, you identify three possible actions: (1) read more about the skills you are considering learning, (2) talk to someone who has the skills to find out more about how they use them, and perhaps even ask to shadow them while they’re working, or (3) research courses that teach those skills. Of those, you choose to speak with and try to shadow someone who uses those skills in their work. You schedule time on your calendar to take action (identify a person, get contact information, email or call them, etc.).

After you have taken your first action step – no matter how small you think it is – journal about it. We talked about journaling in the What’s Your Starting Point? post.

Reflect

What did you learn that you didn’t know before? What did it confirm (or negate) about what you’ve been wondering about?

Write down your thoughts, impressions, feelings, and anything else relevant.

Then?

If you didn’t find what you were looking for, go back to your list and repeat the process with another action idea.

And remember: Each step along the way to that is not wasted. It provides you with a gift – one of experience and self-discovery. The clarity it brings to you is valuable, one more signpost to help point you in the right direction.

Let Go of Preconceptions

As you take action, go into your exploration without a prerequisite that what you’re pursuing needs to be the answer. Instead, be open to the answer it gives you.

Also, keep in mind that what you think you need to do may not take as much time or effort as you imagine. We tend to overcomplicate what we believe we must do to get a feel for something. Therefore, think about what you can do in a short amount of time with minimal effort to gain insight into something you’ve been wondering about.

For example, if you’ve wanted to explore a business idea, how can you get out in front of the kind of customers it targets to get their thoughts? Who could you speak with who is doing something similar and could answer your questions?

Maintain Perspective

Also, maintain perspective. No matter what time and effort you think you need to make or may even have to make, keep in mind the reason you are doing this: To achieve more of how you want to feel and live. So, even if you do need to put more time and effort into exploring different options, isn’t your life and your fulfillment worth it?

After all, consider the alternative. Then, you do what? You continue doing the same thing that doesn’t support how you want to feel and live until you die? I don’t mean to sound harsh, but this is your life – one that is finite – so isn’t it worth investing time and effort if it can lead to a life that aligns more with what you want and feel good about?

Be Patient

Finally, give yourself the gift of patience as you continue on your journey of life and do more of what supports how you want to feel and live. Your life, your well-being, and your fulfillment are not a race. Sometimes, we need to give ourselves not just space but also time to find what most helps us to feel and live the way we want.

The Bottom Line

If you aren’t sure what you want, continuing to do the same thing won’t help you find the answer. If you truly want clarity around what you want, then take action to figure it out. Identify what actions you can take to learn more about what you want. Recognize what you can do differently than you have been. Write down your ideas. Then, start taking action on each item, one by one, to gain the clarity you need.

You can achieve what you want.

You can take steps to support how you want to feel and what you want to have in your life.

But you need to be clear on what that is and why.

So, give yourself what you need to support yourself to do that.

And if you are struggling with clarity, as part of the paid content this week, I’m sharing a recording of a reflection exercise that helps me find my way. If you want access to it and other supplemental support and tools, upgrade for $5/month (or $50/year) by clicking the button below (cancel at any time).

TAKE ACTION:

1. In what area of your life are you struggling to gain clarity and why? Is it because it’s hard for you to acknowledge or give hope to what you want? Is it because it seems impractical or too difficult? Or do you just not know what you want?
2. Gain clarity with action. In the area where you aren’t sure what you want, brainstorm all the things that you think might help you to feel more of what you like in that area. Then, pick an idea that most resonates, and identify three things that you can do to explore, test out, or answer a question that you may have about it. Take action.

References:

1: Hartley, Anne (2000). Love The Life You Live: Ten Steps For Happier Living; A Life Coaching Process. Hart Publishing Pty Ltd. Australia.

IMPORTANT: The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified professional with any questions you may have regarding the topics discussed here as the topics discussed are based on general principles and may not be applicable to every individual.