KEY TAKEAWAY: To step into our potential and achieve what we want in our lives, we need to learn to navigate thoughts and feelings of Not-Enoughness, the umbrella term I use for fear, self-doubt, perfectionism, self-criticism, and similarly limiting thoughts and feelings. We need to challenge limiting thoughts, reframe them, and focus on what is more important than Not-Enoughness. Scroll down to the TAKE ACTION section for this week’s actionable steps.

Everyone poops. Everyone farts (especially after eating a non-friendly-for-stomach protein bar). Do you know what else everyone does?

Everyone feels Not-Enoughness.

What is Not-Enoughness?

What about you? Do you ever suffer from Not-Enoughness?

Do you ever (often) feel like you’re not enough – not enough of something or good enough?

For example, do you ever find yourself looking in the mirror and thinking, “Not thin enough, not toned enough, not tall enough, not short enough, not flat enough, not curvy enough, not pretty enough, not young enough…”?

Or what about all the Not-Enoughness about things not reflected in the mirror—not enough knowledge, intelligence, experience, confidence, credentials, drive, patience, expertise, wit, talent, polish, humor, calm, etc?

If you’re like the majority of us, you probably do.

We all experience Not-Enoughness.

I believe that we all—no matter how “enough” we may look or seem to be on the outside—deal with feelings of Not-Enoughness on the inside. Case in point: I recently attended a meeting of amazing, talented, and successful business women, and what came up? The topic of not-enoughness.

It’s a common theme, and I find that no matter how “enough” we are, instead of focusing on our abundant Enoughness, we focus on what we perceive to be not enough. (And it’s not just when it comes to ourselves. We can get in the habit of viewing others and our lives through a lens of what is not enough or good enough.)

We all experience Not-Enoughness, but we all don’t deal with it in the same way.

While we all experience Not-Enoughness, some of us let it sit in the driver’s seat of our lives and dictate what we do or don’t do and how we feel or don’t feel. We let our fear, self-doubt, insecurity, imposter syndrome, and not-enough-not-good-enoughness feelings hold us back, limiting what we do and how we live. We let it water down the quality of our lives.

Others of us, however, learn to navigate Not-Enoughness. We accept that it is part of being a living, breathing human. We understand that in order to live a life that is aligned with what we want and supports how we want to feel, there will be some discomfort—including Not-Enoughness—that comes with that. After all, if we didn’t care, we wouldn’t care.

If we didn’t care, we wouldn’t care.

Consider when you experience Not-Enoughness. When do you feel it most?

Probably, it’s when you care, are emotionally vested in something, and are involved in something that matters to you.

It could relate to your work, a relationship, a social situation, or a special event. Whatever it is, you care about some aspect of it, whether it’s how others perceive you, what you are doing, or how you perceive yourself.

You care. And caring means you are vulnerable to being hurt if you feel or experience something different from what you had wanted or envisioned.

So, how do we navigate Not-Enoughness?

Side Note: Know When You Need Extra Support

Before we cover some tools I have found personally and professionally as a coach to be effective at navigating Not-Enoughness, I want to say this: While we all experience Not-Enoughness, how that has come about or plays a role in our lives is unique to us. Sometimes, we need assistance to deal with Not-Enoughness or other life challenges. Knowing when we need extra support and seeking it out is an act of bravery and self-love, not something to be ashamed of, so give yourself that gift of extra support when you need it.

1: Become Aware of Not-Enoughness in Your Thoughts

Awareness is the first step toward positive change. So, build awareness of just how much you are practicing Not-Enoughness instead of Enoughness by starting with the quality of your thoughts.

Start monitoring the quality of your thoughts throughout the day. Check in with your thoughts when you get up in the morning and as you prepare for the day ahead. Monitor them as you go about your day and interact with others. If you’ve started a journaling habit, write down what you observe in your journal.

As you monitor your thoughts, consider the following questions:

• Do your thoughts tend to be positive or negative? Are they generally focused on what’s abundant and good or what’s not enough or not good enough? In general? About yourself?
• What are your thoughts most often saying when negative or Not-Enoughness-focused? On what are they most often focused?
• What do you notice about how your thoughts influence your behavior – what you do or don’t do, how you feel or don’t feel, or how you communicate, act, and react?
• How well do your thoughts support or work against how you want to feel, what you want to experience, the outcomes you want, and what you want in your life?

This probably comes as no surprise, but our thoughts often do not support what we want. They do not enrich our life experience (or that of others around us). They are not pro-us or enhance how we feel, what we say and do, or our outcomes.

Negative thinking, whether about ourselves, our life situation, or other things and people, is a corrosive habit we can get into almost unconsciously. It can perpetuate our sense of Not-Enoughness, distort the lens through which we view life, and work against the very more that we say we want to feel and have in our lives. After all, it is difficult, if not impossible, to create the more we want when how we think is focused on less.

However, our greatest freedom and power is our ability to choose the lens through which we view ourselves, others, situations, and our lives. This freedom and power can only be taken away by our own selves. So, start to flex that freedom and power muscle by becoming aware of the quality of your thoughts because, ultimately, the quality of your thoughts shapes the quality of your life.

2: Challenge Not-Enoughness Thoughts

As you become more aware of the quality of your thoughts, use the Greek philosopher Socrates’ three questions to get in the habit of challenging and filtering out non-supportive thoughts.

Question #1: Is it true?

Is what you are thinking true—actually based on facts? Challenge the truthfulness of your thoughts. What is the truth? What proof do you have that what you are thinking is true? If you aren’t sure, what can you do to find out?

And even if you believe that whatever Not-Enoughness thought is true, is the way you are thinking being true to yourself and what you want? So, even if you believe that you are not qualified enough, good enough, or ____ enough, is it true to you and what you want?

Question #2: Is it kind?

Is what or how you are thinking kind to yourself or others? Is it supporting you, how you want to feel, or the outcomes you want?

Question #3: Is it useful?

Is what or how you are thinking useful? Is it helping you to achieve how you want to feel or the outcomes you want?

If the answer to any of the above three questions is no, then break the cycle of negative thinking by choosing to think differently. Challenge the Not-Enoughness thoughts and reframe them to be a truer, kinder, and/or more useful way of thinking.

As part of this, if you find yourself having close-ended thoughts or thoughts that are focused on the problem, adjust them to be open and solution-oriented. For example:

• Instead of “I can’t,” think, “How can I?”
• Instead of “It’s not possible,” think “What could be possible?”
• Instead of “I don’t feel _______ enough,” think “How could I feel more _______?”

And if you find it difficult to reframe your thinking to something more positive or self-supporting, then redirect your focus to something else.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat. This is a practice, but by practicing this regularly, you will create a more positive, self-supporting habit of thinking in a way that supports, instead of works against, how you want to feel and what you want to experience.

3: Focus on Your WHY

One of the most powerful tools I know to navigate Not-Enoughness is to focus on my WHY – the reason I am putting myself in the position that is creating Not-Enoughness to begin with. It is the thing I care more about than my feelings of Not-Enoughness.

So, when you feel Not-Enoughness, focus on your WHY—the driving force behind what you are trying to do or achieve.

Remember: When does Not-Enoughness tend to rear its head? It’s when you want to do something important to you and need to step out of your comfort zone to do it. It’s when you’re emotionally vested. If you didn’t care, you wouldn’t be pushing yourself to do something that makes you feel vulnerable or uncomfortable. You’re taking action because you do care—because there’s something you care about more, and that’s your WHY.

So, why are you doing what is generating the feelings of Not-Enoughness? What is more important to you than the Not-Enoughness feelings you are experiencing? Focus on that.

When Not-Enoughness starts to appear — when you experience fear, self-doubt, or other scary emotion that makes you question yourself and what you’re trying to do — remember your WHY:

• What is my WHY? Why am I doing this? Why am I stepping outside of my comfort zone? Why is this meaningful to me? Why do I care?
• Why is this more important than my fear, self-doubt, or other Not-Enoughness I am feeling?
• How will I feel if I give in to my feelings of Not-Enoughness and let them sit in the driver’s seat and limit what I do or feel? How will I feel in:
  • One week?
  • One month?
  • One year?
  • Ten years?

When you lead with your WHY and take action that aligns with that, not only are you not allowing Not-Enoughness to stand in your way, but you are also empowering yourself because action is empowering. Staying stuck because of Not-Enoughness is not.

4: Be Your Own Measure

One of the drivers of Not-Enoughness is our habit of comparing ourselves to others, which leads to us not feeling enough in some way. Do yourself a favor:

Give yourself the gift of being your own measure of how you feel about yourself and your life.

Don’t rely on external measures or compare yourself or your life to someone else’s to define what you value or to determine your worth. Doing so can undermine your well-being and lead you on the endless chase of trying to measure up.

After all, you can always find someone who seems better off. Prettier. Younger. Fitter. Smarter. More charming. More successful. Better house. Better car. Better career. Better bank account. Better kids. Better partner. Better dog.

Even then, realize that your perception of someone else or their situation is probably an idealized version based on limited knowledge. What seems ideal may or may not be. The reality may be far from ideal. In any case, it’s irrelevant. This is your life, and what you value and how you honor that in your life is the only reality that will ultimately matter to you.

Feeling good doesn’t come from how you measure up to other people and things but how you measure up to how you want to feel, who you want to be, and how you want to live your life.

That is unique to you. Only you can determine if you have achieved how you want to feel. And if you haven’t, stop being yourself up about it and, instead, focus on productive thoughts and actions.

So, if you find yourself using external references to measure yourself or your quality of life, ask yourself this:

How has it improved the quality of how I feel, my life, and my life experiences?

Of course, it you find someone else’s life or situation or something else encouraging and inspiring, that is wonderful. However, don’t use it as a measuring stick to beat yourself up with or to devalue yourself or your life. Don’t give something or someone outside of you that power.

Your true measure is you, where you are now, where you want to go, and the steps you take to get there. You are your best measure.

Final Thoughts

Feeling Not-Enoughness is uncomfortable. It’s scary. But ask yourself this:

What do I want?

And am I letting Not-Enoughness stand in the way of that?

If what you want demands that you do more than try to stay in the bubble of what feels safe and comfortable—I say “try” because staying safe and comfortable is pretty difficult to achieve no matter how hard we try because there will pretty much always be something that can make us feel vulnerable to Not-Enoughness—find what helps you to best navigate Not-Enoughness.

Start monitoring your thoughts.

Start challenging Not-Enoughness.

Focus on your WHY.

Stop using external things and people to value yourself or your life by.

You are in charge. You get to choose. Only you can know if you are letting Not-Enoughness limit you or your actions. Only you can decide if trying to stay safe to avoid Not-Enoughness is the right choice or if it is exacting the high price of keeping you from creating the more you want to feel and have in your life.

So, if you know that Not-Enoughness is limiting you and if you decide that playing it safe is exacting too high a price on how you feel and live, then ask yourself what you need to do differently going forward so that it doesn’t.

TAKE ACTION:

1. Become aware of Not-Enoughness in your thoughts. Monitor the quality of your thoughts, whether they are positive or negative, self-supporting or self-critical, and whether they support how you want to feel and what you want to achieve.

2. Challenge Not-Enoughness thoughts by using Socrates’ three questions: Is it true? Is it kind? Is it useful? Find what is truer, kinder, and/or more useful, or redirect your thoughts entirely.
3. Focus on Your WHY and why what you are doing or trying to feel or achieve is more important than feelings of Not-Enoughness. Ask yourself how you would feel in one week, one month, in one year, and in ten years if you let Not-Enoughness limit you or your life.
4. Be your own measure. Stop using external comparisons as a measuring stick that you beat yourself up with and, instead, be your own measure of how you feel about yourself and your life.
5. What else can you do or do you need in order to help you navigate Not-Enoughness? Find what helps you best deal with Not-Enoughness so that it doesn’t limit you or the quality of your life.

IMPORTANT: The information provided is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of a qualified professional with any questions you may have regarding the topics discussed here as the topics discussed are based on general principles and may not be applicable to every individual.